Marriage is more than just the wedding
by ALETA NIEVA of abs-cbnNEWS.com / from the multiply site of Noknok
Marriage is often associated with themed weddings, grand celebrations, good food, stylish bridal gowns, and a huge pile of gifts. However, planning a wedding is not the only thing that a couple entering into a life-long commitment should be concerned about.
Commitment between a man and a woman is more than saying “yes” to a marriage proposal or uttering the words “I Do” as the couple’s assurance of a blissful union together.
3rd Philippine Wedding Congress 2008 speaker on marriage preparedness Anthony Pangilinan told an audience of soon to be wed couples that “there are many lousy marriages in this country today.”
“Ang problema natin ngayon sa Pilipinas mas importante sa atin ang wedding kaysa doon sa marriage. We are more concerned with the event and not the process,” Pangilinan said.
Pangilinan gave his audience pointers to think about and even shared his own personal experience as a married man.
Before saying “I Do”
Pangilinan said couples thinking of tying the knot should first ponder upon what the word “marriage” truly means.
From what he has learned, marriage is a “personal union of individuals. It is also called matrimony--starts with the wedding and results to a wedlock.”
It is also an institution in which interpersonal relationship is acknowledged by the state or by a religious authority or both, he said.
"Kaya kapag hindi sumusunod ang asawa ninyo sa napagkasunduan, ang asawa ninyo ay enemy of the state," he jokingly told his audience.
Pangilinan shared the experiences he and his wife Maricel Laxa went through in their 15-years of marriage with soon-to-wed couples.
“You don’t get married to one person. You marry into a family, into a community and you are sanctioned by the state and in most cases by a religious authority,” he said.
Oftentimes, couples are so busy preparing for their wedding that they tend to forget an important part of their union which is to read and internalize what is written on the marriage contract.
“You don’t get into a work contract without first discussing the terms and reading the terms but most people get into marriages in contrast, without even reading the terms,” he said.
To what are you saying “I Do?”
The next question every couple should ask themselves is “to what are you saying I do?
He challenged his audience to “put it to test now” before they even plan to get themselves into a life-long commitment.
“Let us not focus on the wedding only but on the longer term which is the marriage. And you must insist to sit down and talk about the marriage not just the wedding,” said Pangilinan.
One important thing that couples should first discover and accept is their partner’s personality.
“I realized three to four years ago na ang attitude daw ng mga tao nababago. Ang mga pangarap pwedeng baguhin. But you know what? You are stuck with your personality. You can never change personality.
"So you have to discover and accept your partner's personality because if from the start you cannot accept, you're a disaster waiting to happen,” he said.
While he said he believes that men and women are equal, he also said a couple must accept different roles.
“Actually totoo yung wife submit to your husband. But also in scriptures it says submit to one another hindi lang daw wife ang nagsa-submit,” he said.
When he and Maricel got married, they agreed to take on designated responsibilities without first knowing if they were meant for it.
“Sabi ko ‘Hon; ikaw ang software ako ang hardware. Syempre ako lalaki, pagdating sa mga repairs, expansion, renovation ako yan. Pagdating sa pagkain, beautification ikaw yan. Nagkasundo kami but it didn’t work,” he said.
He cited several incidents when he tried to prove himself to be the all around handyman in the house.
“Masisira ang computer, dalawang oras ko nang kinakalikot dadaan si Maricel, ‘Hon, ganito lang yan’ tapos na! Buti nga kung computer lang e aircon, refrigerator!
"This is the worst. Dumating yung do-it-yourself furniture, ang aming kama at tv cabinet. Wala akong maintindihan sa mga manual na yun! Paborito ni Maricel ang mga ganung manual and she did it herself…eight months pregnant!” he exclaimed.
What made him realize that being in charge of the family’s “hardware” was definitely not for him, was when Maricel could not decide which curtain to choose for the home, and in the end “ako ang pumili,” he said.
“It had to take another counseling session for us to realize na iba ang gifts at background namin. Maricel grew up in a single parent home and they fixed everything at home. Ako nakalimutan ko when I studied my university course it was architecture I had two years of interior design. Tinanggap na namin yun,’ he explained.
In the end, he said that if the washing machine needs fixing, Maricel would know what to do but if there are people visiting and they have to buy flowers, it is his turf.
Life before saying "I do"
Pangilinan who was a 2004 Huwarang Ama Awardee and a 2000 Ulirang Ama Awardee gave the audience three suggestions before saying “I do.”
“Before you get married please find yourself first and accept yourself for who you are,” he said.
Next, he suggested that couples should become friends with their partner and spend time together.
“Bago kayo mag-asawa spend more time on the following: intellectual, mental and spiritual connections and less time on the physical connection,” he said.
He further explained that connecting with one’s partner physically or even sexually puts the other elements on hold.
“Once you get connected and you overly engage in physical connection you stop connecting mentally, intellectually, spiritually and so you don’t grow. So you invest there first,” he said.
As for the third suggestion he said individuals wanting to get married should first believe that they are complete.
“Believe that you are complete already...on your own. Di po totoo yung 'you complete me'. Kasi kung hindi ka kumpleto huwag ka munang maga-asawa,” he told the crowd.
After the vows
After 15 years of marriage, Pangilinan still says that married life is not always as blissful as one would like to think. He and his wife shared a lot of ups and downs in their marriage.
In reality, marriage does not come with a manual that guides every couple toward the direction of a happy life together.
Spending a wonderful life together would still depend on the couple’s willingness to make their marriage work.
With this, Pangilinan shared with his audience some personal tips that he and his wife learned throughout their marriage.
For their list, the couple’s top priority is finding God.
“Find God everyday of your life because you’re gonna need him…everyday of your married life,” Pangilinan said.
Second is for the couple to agree on goals like deciding together what they would want for their children, where they want to live, or the kind of lifestyle they want to have.
It's ok to seek professional help
Another important lesson which they would also like to encourage every couple is to get counseling.
“Daming wedding coordinators, nagdagsaan and everybody wants a marriage coordinator but not a marriage counselor. Wedding coordinator, yes. Marriage counselor, no. Baka sabihing may problema tayo.
"Sino ba ang walang problema? I have been counseled in my marriage for the last 15 years. I can’t do without my marriage counselor,” he said.
Couples must also be open to change and the willingness to give and share their blessings to others just as he and Maricel have decided to give a portion of their income away.
“God will bless you more and more if you give,” said Pangilinan.
Furthermore, Pangilinan said couples should ensure that they spend quality time together and lastly, sticking to their decision of “my choice” or “marrying because you choose to get married.”
“We are all twisted image bearers living with other twisted image bearers in the presence of an untwisted God who is slowly making us straight. It’s a process. If you entrust your wedding and marriage to Him he will make it straight and the best is yet to come,” he said.
The 3rd Philippine Wedding Congress 2008 was held on July 25, 26 and 27 at the Megatrade Hall 2 of SM Megamall.
The three-day summit introduced top industry suppliers, latest trends and updates and learning sessions to soon-to-be-wed couples planning their perfect wedding.
